This is
totally not in chronological order and I don’t what happened when – and also,
the photos are not necessarily linked to the text. Just another example of writing to
remember (These days, how I treasure what I’ve written about travel in Asia with Leslie!).
 |
| David with Jake, CK, Phana - Ocean Beach, 2015 |
Last week I
went with Phana and Kayleen to visit David and Charles. It was a great visit,
full to the brim with activities – Golden Gate Park, Neiman’s, Castro, Four
Seasons, Ocean Beach – all over the place. I backed out of some parts of the
trip as I felt the focus should be on David, Phana, and Kayleen’s relationship.
We came back
to Dallas on Monday, back to chemo on Tuesday, massage for Phana on Wednesday,
chemo/pump out Thursday, dinner with Debora Thursday evening, rehab on Friday
morning, and fly back to San Francisco on Friday. Yikes! In some ways it’s been
a hard week for me – lots of sadness and longing. Yet good in many ways.
Some of the
parts that were good were spending time with Phana and Kayleen (see below), spending
time with Phana, seeing my brother John, finishing early with chemo on Tuesday
(I was in kind of a dream-like state and then about 3:30 Phana said it’s done),
the whole massage scene (see below), dinner with Debora, a rare dream, and
heading back to San Francisco.
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| Kayleen, Ocean Beach, 2015 |
Massage – I
had a dream about Jessica A. in which I was trying to ask her something, but
couldn’t. I contacted her a few days later about who might give Phana a loving
massage and she suggested our mutual friend, Kristina. I was so happy that I
know someone I can ask about a loving massage AND who would understand what I
meant by that term AND that Kristina’s name would come up. Kristina’s apartment
was a lovely, high space – even a sacred space, so I was super-happy to be
there – so grateful for the whole scene. By the “whole scene” I mean the
connections within Atrium Obscurum and the good people who make it beautiful, and
more immediately, what was happening that day.
Spending time
with Phana was basically the same as always – good. Spending time with Kayleen was
an opportunity to discover a rare mix of child and adult. At first, she
manifests child, as in totally 17. Then over time, she reveals depth and maturity.
She’s dealing with a lot and dealing with it gracefully.
----------------
Phana and I
went to a government office to pick up an important document. It was a very
busy office with easily a hundred employees and countless clients and in all
that, the person who ended up helping, said that she knows who Phana is! And I
was thinking that all of us (Phana, from Cambodia; the employee, from Vietnam;
and me, a combat veteran of Vietnam) are all children of war, ending up
together, momentarily, in that huge office.
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| Phana, Kayleen, David |
This was after 7
phone calls to that office with hold times probably averaging about 5 minutes
(so not bad in that respect) and 4 phone calls to other entities such as a Congressman,
Phana got a call from the office: yes, they have her passport and she can come
in Thursday to pick it up. And, "Do you know a Charles Kemp?" LOL. So
they got some little pieces of my ass and a bigger piece of hers, which is
profoundly dragging after this 2nd course of max chemo, but still a better
choice to go in now vs. them mailing it.
Onward Through the Fog!
----------------------
Today, she's in one of the big chairs
in the chemotherapy infusion room and this man comes over, rolling his IV
along, and among other things happening, looks at me and asks, "Do you
love her?" I really did LOL and said, "I can't believe you're asking
me that question." And with clarity said, "Yes." Pinned to the
wall by an old man named George, with tears running down his cheeks. We talked about what kind of love - agape and filial I think. He also talked about how we're all one. I thought at first maybe he was an angel - really. Now I think he was a man having a vision.
----------------------
I was at the
corner of Duboce and Steiner in San Francisco when one of those long fire
trucks with a driver in front and someone else steering the back of the truck.
The person steering the rear was waving at children and when I waved, too, he
waved at me. Good times in San Francisco!
----------------------
 |
| David at Golden Gate |
I was some
sad the past few days. It began to lift as Phana and I drove on I30 today. I
realize now that part of the problem was likely that for several days I had abandoned
the practice of each evening writing down three good things that happened that
day – because so much good is happening. Ha! So much good, so much sad. Playing
a little catch-up now. Good…
I know people
who say, “Yes,” when I ask, “Do you know anyone who can give a good, loving
massage?”
I’m looking
so forward to being with David. Prodigiously forward to that!
I’m happy to
be bringing Phana and Kayleen to see David. I’m glad to be with Phana and
Kayleen.
It makes me
happy that Nora is buying Leslie’s car – and sad, too.
It was a good
thing to have dinner with John. He’s a good guy.
It is a good
thing to think of Leslie – of how she was so many things (wife, mother, lover,
get it done genius, beautiful woman, decent person, and more).
Bible study
was good.
 |
| Kayleen and Phana - SF, 2015 |
Looking
forward to seeing Kristina.
Glad to be
returning to San Francisco.
Grateful for
the Grateful Dead.
Grateful for
sativa.
Go Cali!
Friday
For walking
with David, Phana, and Kayleen and for having coffee with them.
For San
Francisco.
For dinner at
Italian place on 19th Street upstairs in the Castro.
For sitting
here while Phana and Kayleen rest.
Good times at
tastings at four Seasons and cake place in the Mission.
Beginning to
get to know Kayleen.
Being on
Haight Street.
Talking with
Charles B.
Saturday
Being in SF.
Going to
beach with David, Phana, Kayleen, and Jake.
Lunch with
everyone at the Slanted Door.
 |
| Haight Street, 2015 |
Walk with
Kayleen, talking with her.
My apartment
in San Francisco.
----------------------
There was
some sourdough starter (levain) dated 2/2014 in the refrigerator. I started the
reactivation process and within 4 days, had a fully active levain (doubles in
size, forms many bubbles, and has a good sourdough fragrance in ~8 hours).
I then spread
the active material on a tray in the dehydrator and dehydrated it at a low temp
for about 10 hours yielding crispy, light pieces of levain.
Then I
dissolved 5 gm of the dehydrated levain in warm water and started the
reactivation process again. Within three days I had a fully active levain! Then
I replicated the process to be sure it would work. It did.
--------------------
 |
| Sourdough, Arizmendi Bakery |
I ran into
someone I knew today. She was telling me about her son working in psychiatry
with veterans and how the smaller women working in that setting were glad of
this woman’s son – they feel protected because of his size. I didn’t have a
good reaction to what she was saying, but didn’t understand why. I didn’t realize
until just a few minutes ago that what this well-credentialed and
uber-progressive person was saying about veterans with PTSD was that we’re dangerous, not to be trusted – haha
(she was saying it with humor – it was amusing), they like having some muscle
with them around the veterans. Hard to know what to say. I didn’t grasp
it at the time, so went off on alternatives to the ineffective way PTSD is
treated at the VA. But I get it now. I wonder how many shitty, racist or
whatever things I’ve said and never even noticed…
---------------------
To Phana: You
asked if I felt tired after spending the day with you getting chemotherapy. I
said something like “a little” – but later I began to understand. I wrote,
What I really feel after here is not tired, but… something. I’m not sure
what. Except that I’ve been somewhere of import with someone of great import. I
don’t feel at all glad in any way, but I would rather be here, right here,
right now – than anywhere else I can think of: The Wind Rivers, San Francisco,
anywhere (except, of course, with Leslie).
------------------
 |
| Our hotel was on this alley in Saigon, 2013 |
In the hall outside
of the Chemotherapy Infusion Area I heard a man say, “I have a tough situation.”
----------------------
The last time I played golf was about
a month after I returned from the war in 1967. It had been several years, so I
wasn’t playing well until I reached a hard par 4 hole going back toward the
clubhouse. I hit a perfect tee shot – long and right up the middle. I tossed my
driver over by my other clubs and walked off the course. It was a good set of
clubs, but I just left them there. That was it for me.
---------------
Now, several
days later, sitting with Phana in an office in outpatient oncology, going over
Advance Directives and Medical Power of Attorney, talking about how she is
likely to pass, serious things.
---------------------
Three good
things practice (every night) or gratitude journal
Mental
subtraction of positive events
Savoring walk
once a week vs. giving something up
Thank yous in
word and deed; gratitude letter
Positives
Thursday
 |
| New Mexico, July 2015 |
BP close to
normal.
John calls to
say, when I’m having a late day, let him know and he’ll fix dinner.
Went to
dermatologist who took such good care of Leslie. She was extra sweet and used
the word, “adore.”
Messaged with
friend I haven’t seen in about 20 years.
Friday
Ran into
friend who is police officer. He called about 30 minutes later to say, “You’re
one of my heroes.”
Flying to
Albuquerque from DFW. Lucked into right terminal and close to right gate.
Parked free
with Purple Heart license plates.
Read a good
article about Robert Frank (photographer of The Americans)
I wrote this:
I’m hopeful! I don’t know what for. It just seems like there is some future out
there for me, some potential. I’m fearful. I fear further disconnection.
And there was the whole amazing scene with Jim and Elisabeth in New Mexico!
