Barbara sent me a letter that began, "You will make it." I printed a copy to carry in my billfold.
-------------------
 |
| David Kemp and Charles Binkley, married, September 2015 |
I see couples together, a man and woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman, sometimes with a child, sometimes just a parent and child, and like a prayer, I
think something like, “Cherish what you have, love her (or him) with all your
heart, give it all you have.” This happens almost every day.
--------------------
I went today to the first
meeting of a grief recovery group. The walking wounded. One man will mark one
year tomorrow. “Clara,” he spoke her name softly. Another man just passed two
months and I thought, “How can he do it?” Everyone else in the group has
been in it longer, so I guess that’s how he’ll do it. It’s so hard. Until this,
Vietnam was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. This is much harder.
--------------------
These things are written
over time, so when I say something about “the past few days” I may be writing
about days a week or two ago.
Hard times much of the
past few days. The thing of writing down three good things each day fell by the
wayside as I’ve cycled downward.
 |
Phorn, David, CK. At Grace Cathedral,
David and Charles' wedding |
Sometimes patients would tell
me their chief complaint was “desperation.” I didn’t really understand that,
except that it seemed to occur in the context of depression and I always took
it as a serious CC. Now I get it. Desperation. What to do? Where to turn?
Monday I went to the grief
center at Wilshire Baptist Church. Had a draining 1.5 hour conversation with
Laurie, the director. The next day I talked with Lillie, the woman who
facilitates the group I will start in next Tuesday.
(Encourage, it’s a word I
want to keep in mind.)
----------------------
While we were in San
Francisco the last time, Jeff talked some about Vietnam. I started thinking
about how much combat I was in. Really a lot. Definitions:
Battle = a sustained
fight with a lot of people involved, lasting anywhere from hours to days.
Firefight or gunfight = a
brief fight involving a few people, that may last a few minutes up to an hour.
1/26 = 1st
Battalion, 26th Marine Regiment; likewise 1/9 is 1st Bn,
9th Marine Reg. and so on. A letter in front of these, e.g., C/1/26, designates C Company, 1st Bn...
 |
| With Elisabeth and Jim, on the trail, NM |
Except for Marine nomenclature, these are my definitions (battle vs. firefight).
In each of the following battles and gunfights I was actively shooting and
being shot at.
Battles
Deckhouse/Prairie, a big
one near the DMZ – battalions of NVA regulars, trenches, mortars, rockets, many
firefights. On the last day I saw a tanker get his head blown off. He was
wearing a commo helmet, and it was like seeing a radio explode. When the
fighting was over, I got his .45. I remember when we got back to a firebase the
tanks laagered up and we (the infantry) all just kind of fell down asleep in the
center of the circle. In the morning I saw the entire 1st weapons
squad asleep together – three men, spooned together under a poncho – a week
before there had been 12-14 men in 1st squad. For the operation, 36 Marines were killed and 167 wounded (from several units). Deckhouse/Prairie
lasted a week or two for my unit, C/1/26.
 |
| Sea and sky and land |
Dodge City near Hill 55
when that corporal had his ass blown off – he sat up and looked down at what
was left of his legs, groaned and died. Battle lasted about an hour.
Dodge City a few months
later – 16 KIA, several helicopters shot down, bad action, Zamora killed. His
friend went crazy, started screaming, and charged the enemy trench line, so
everybody else did too. Lasted about a day.
The Hill Fights/the “First
Battle of Khe Sanh” – this was the worst. At the DMZ. I was mostly with 1/9, “The
Walking Dead” and also some with 3/3 or 2/3. 168 men killed over about a month.
I was in this one at several different points, with some rest time back at the
rear near Dong Ha, where the only problem was rockets. I think I can rightfully
say this was at least two battles for me. Intense. Lasted weeks.
Firefights/gunfights
 |
| John and CK, in the Castro |
My best guess is at least
one every 4-5 days for about seven months and then in the last six months,
maybe one or even less/week. But the Hill Fights were in the last months, so I
don’t know how to count in those times. All told, I was in at least 50
firefights.
Sniper fire/mines
When we were near Dodge City (Thuy Bo) every bleeding day at
least one person was hit by sniper fire or blown away by a bouncing betty or
other mine. Every fucking day.
I've been shot at with hand-held automatic weapons, crew-served automatic weapons, mortars, RPGs, big rockets, artillery, and I don't know what else. I've even been strafed by a gunship.
THAT’S A LOT OF ACTION! I
don’t seem to be haunted by it, though. It comes up now and then, but not so
bad. I don’t remember my dreams. Things might be different if I did. Haha,
Jeff’s dreams are enough for me.
----------------------
 |
Phana and Jeff - we all love a pretty girl, don't we.
Look at how he's looking at her - just as if he was
looking at David. |
I’ve been somewhat slouchish
for a long time. Toward the last of the time when Leslie was sick, I realized I
was becoming actually bent over. I worked to stand up straighter. At some point
a few weeks ago I thought to myself, fuck it, bent over is what I am and I quit
trying to stand straight. Now I’m working on straighter again.
----------------------
David and Charles got
married a few weeks ago. It was a huge celebration. I realized a few days
before the ceremony that it was a transition for me, too – and not the easiest
one of my life. Of course, these are days upon days of transitions for me… More
on this later. Will post video when it comes out.
______________
A woman was telling me how
Leslie helped her years ago and how thankful she was for it. Somewhere in the
conversation, I said, “Yes, she helped hundreds of people. The woman said, “No.
Thousands.”
